January 1, 2021 – The Twenty-Sixth Blog in the RestorationAge

If you are new to this blog, Welcome! If you’ve been with me for the last year or so, Happy New Year. It’s freaking 2021! Take a second to reach a hand over your opposite shoulder and pat yourself on the back. It’s hard to remember what happened in, say, 2014, but 2020 is one that will go down in the history books; one that people who lived it, will remember forever. It is the one your grandkids in the year 2035 will ask, “What was the COVID pandemic like? How did you spend your time?”

I think one thing I will tell mine (if I have them) is how when the ball dropped on December 31st, 2019 into January 1st, 2020, we had absolutely no clue what the coming year would hold. Being able to foretell the future would be a cool superpower, but I don’t have it, nor do I know anyone who does.

I remember when I first really heard about the Coronavirus. A workmate of mine was dating a girl whose parents had just gotten back from Italy where the virus was starting to run rampant. We all got a call from the owner of the company I freelance for and a message to stay home until it was known that this friend’s girlfriend’s parents stayed symptom free. I thought it was extreme, but I was all about any excuse to not have to go into the office and have the chance to work from home for a couple weeks and I was okay with that.

Then the email came out not to come back into the office until further notice. And it was scary. I wasn’t scared because of the virus really, I was taking all the necessary precautions, I was scared because I am a freelancer and when I’m not in the office and not working on a specific project, I am not getting paid.

While it was a difficult and frustrating year with work fluctuations, looking for and doing additional work for new companies, fighting to save the money I needed to for Cate’s last year of college and for my quarterly taxes, I underwent somewhat of a personal awakening. I am sure that I am not alone here. There has been plenty of time for self-reflection over the past 9ish months.

Before quarantine I had started to feel that I needed to get back to more of the things that bring me happiness. Not to sound all woo-woo, but I had been meditating every morning for a year and a half by then, which helped give me the direction I needed to start reclaiming some parts of myself I felt I had been ignoring.

Five months before quarantine, I started several things simultaneously. I had started a blog on my own website domain (obvi – you are reading it now). I picked up a script that I had started writing while taking a continuing education class at UofL eight years ago and finished it. I started writing a semi-autobiography based on an idea that had been in my head for DECADES. Seriously, decades.

Then quarantine. At first I felt like I was in quicksand. Desperate almost. To get work. To keep work. I was miserable when I was working. I felt guilty when I wasn’t working. I was looking at job posts and willing myself to apply to every job I felt I was qualified for and some I wasn’t, even if I wasn’t really interested. I sent out resumes to many other companies that do the kind of the work that requires researchers like me. I was throwing out all kinds of funky energy.

And I still had lots of hours on my hands. In my house. I was only able to control the controllable, so I decided to double down on the yearly goals that I had set for myself back when the future was not so cloudy. It required me to have faith in myself. It started with one step, then another. I sent out my script for professional notes, I entered contests, I made my blog public to my followers on Instagram, I set and tried to meet word totals each month for my book and finished the first draft this month. I read a lot. I even became more spiritual than when I was going to church every week.

I started asking myself questions. Who am I? What do I want to do? How do I want to be remembered? Is this thing that I’ve been doing for the last 25 years what I want to be remembered for? How do people see me versus how I see myself? What is my purpose now that my kids are both nearly out of college and on their own? Do other women feel the same way I do? How can I build a community for all of us to find the peace that we need? And who would want to listen to anything I said?

If I’ve learned anything from all of the personal development books I’ve been reading the past few years, it’s if you approach life with a sense of lack – I don’t have enough money, I don’t have enough time, I’m not qualified, I’m not smart enough, No one will listen to me – then you are only inviting more of those things into your life. If you believe it, that’s what you will manifest.

I don’t know everything, just ask Mike. He’ll tell you he’s the one that knows everything and I’m right every now and then. Well, I’m certainly not certified in anything, but I have a shit-ton of experience in a lot of things. I’m a storyteller and tech savvy with film, video and audio, I’m a writer, I’ve been doing fitness programs every day for 20 years, I’m a former cycling coach and athlete, I’m a good listener, and am a student, as well as a teacher. I love nothing more than learning something from someone else and then trying it for myself.

A lot of soul searching and down right praying has gone into “What am I here for? How can I serve?” and it has lead me to continue with this blog for a specific audience. With a suggestion from another friend, I’m also planning to start a podcast to talk with other women on how to deal with a host of issues, as well as just making space for each other. Maybe I’ll write a personal development book on finding your new path based on the work I do on myself. Who knows, I may even write a script featuring a woman my age who goes on a spiritually awakening journey. Bringing myself joy and perhaps helping others is my intent, while I wait for profession work.

You may be the demographic for this, you may not. While the focus is primarily on women over 50, it doesn’t mean this blog or any podcast couldn’t be for others – men or women – of any age. You could hear or read something that you think a friend or loved one should know about. It’s all about community. I’m just here to open up the discussion while being super vulnerable and authentic. I have no doubt it could be fun, but there will also be fear, lots of fear, but even if just one person gets something out of it, it will all be worth it.

As Matthew McConaughey says, “Life’s our resume that’s writing the story that will be our eulogy, and that story – the life we live right now – is the one that will be remembered.” Well, alright, alright, alright.

Even with all of this year’s turmoil of quarantine, racial injustice, the crazy election, I’ve benefitted more from this year and this time than any year since my kids were born. I’m almost afraid to let it go – I don’t want to fall back into old traps and beliefs. I want 2020 to have meant something. I plan to come out of the 2020 slime heap with fresh, glowing, exfoliated skin. It is all a work in progress and I am learning as I go, so keep me accountable and give me feedback so I know I’m on the right track.

As always, my website is llmcshane.com and the new Insta is @llmcshane. Please give me a follow and share, share, share. As always, I’ll be posting the blog on beer Friday – during a generous pour, cause that’s how I do.

Peace inward and forward. Love yourself. You Deserve It.

LLM